I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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