I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
