I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
