I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
