I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
