apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
At least life still wants to fuck me.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize