: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
