The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
