i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I need moral support for this bender
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
