Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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