I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
