Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize