Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize