there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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