Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
