I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
