the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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