I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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