I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
