i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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