how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
