I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
