I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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