Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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