Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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