Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
