As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
