Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
