I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
He kissed a someone with a penis
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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