So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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