Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
