I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
