the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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