Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Randomize
