The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
