Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
