I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
