You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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