Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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