The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
