You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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