i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
