Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
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