Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
