look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
