He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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