i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
