I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
