I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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