I feel like abortions should bother me more
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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