K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
