You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
