I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
i think im in europe. pls send help
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
