we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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