i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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