Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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