Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize