Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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