the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
