Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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